Day 450 - Season Finale: Failure

I feel like a failure. I will be going to the endocrinologist for other options. Pronokal is a great diet. It worked for me for a while, but my illness goes way beyond the psychological matter. I think it has something to do with the insatiability... I cannot stop eating. 

The last few days, I've had one word on my mind: BYPASS. 

UPDATE September 2017:.
I AM RESTARTING PRONOKAL. I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED.  

Day 443 - What Happened

I was reading this blog about the past year... ¿What happened? ¿what happened to me? I was so enthusiastic about it... and then I fell and hit rock bottom...again. 

Day 442 - Who is the judge here?

It's interesting how we judge people without knowing their story. I usually try no to do it, but I have to confess, I judged Dominique Lanoise (Post 49 to watch click link) for a moment when she ate to her death. 

For a moment I thought How could she? she had the opportunity and the medical staff to make it right and she chose to eat until she died. 

Well, I have been thinking of her lately. 

Is not that I am choosing to eat until I die, it's just that I have been on a constant binge for the last two months not thinking I could die. As easy as that. 

People think they have the right to give you their piece of mind (diet wise speaking). And this is what has happened the last months, all comments made by men (young and old). 

• Are you exercising? (of course I had to say yes...that way I wouldn't be ashamed) -Sure why? -Cause it shows!, your body looks firm and better (SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYY!!!!! OMG! and WTF!)
• Why are you eating (a nutella crepe)? Are you angry? What are you feeling? Think abut it, express your feeling, don't eat it -he actually pulled me away from the Nutella stand- I felt so much hate I felt I ate crying inside. (WHAAAAAT? I'm eating a Nutella Crepe because I have been yearning for one for the last 14 months! and I actually answered: Because I want! Because I can!) Confession: This was my father.
• I'm not saying DON'T EAT THAT KIT KAT BAR, I'm just saying, next time you want a chocolate, try a sugar free one (OH Leave me alone! I'm in the US, there are no chocolate bars that taste like this where I live, just let me be I want to eat!) Confession: I ate all those chocolate bars with anger...lots of anger for the next month.

All these comments (made to me by people I love/like) come along with this stupid head tilt and droopy eyed gesture which SCREAMS to you: You are doing SO wrong, you're getting fat again awww. 

It's true. 

People may say: I'm just saying this for your own health, because I worry about you, because I love you (a guy even said to me -which still puzzles me- I don't want to be a widower if you keep eating this way... (and again: W-T-F?!?!?!?!?!) and they feel they have the right to say those things to you!. 

For me, they are judging. And I hate those comments, it bring out the worst of me. I reply with hate, I stare with hostility, I react...

Hurting myself: Bingeing.

I eat furiously. The quantities are exaggerated, the portions are out-blown (i.e. I can tell I once ate -I could bet on it- TWO POUNDS of meat. In one sitting. and still I had dessert.i.e. 5 kit-kat bars)  and STILL be hungry -or maybe the correct word is angry?

I have stopped going outside and socialize, because I don't want people to judge me: "Look at her, tsk tsk, tsk, all the weight she lost, all the effort she invested on the diet and just look at her... she is fat again..what a failure"

Just the thought of this makes my skin crawl and hate everyone, everything every..myself. 

I'm struggling here. As always, but today, even more. 

Don't judge me.

Day 441 - Weigh In (Here I go again...)

Today I did not gave it a thought. I just got the stupid scale out and stepped on it. I only saw numbers. I double checked, remembered the numbers I saw and came to the PC to write them. 

That's all they are. Numbers. They won't bring me down nor make me feel bad anymore. I need to get them down -fast- so, here they are: 

February 18 2013 - 194.8

Relapsed October 12 2013

Started again on November 21 - 170.0

November 28 -  156.7

Started AGAIN on May 05 2014 - 183.2

So this will be my starting Weigh In as from today. I will not let it go and will get to the finish line and stay there. This I promise to myself. 

One Year (or 440 days) later....

I think it's important, not only to tell your own success stories but also your failures and relapses, this is (still) my (relapse) story. 

It has been very very difficult, there has been a bunch of obstacles I have fallen into, which I'll tell in simple bullet points, just to make it easier and faster. 

• On November, when I saw I had lost almost 40 pounds, I began to give myself "treats" or "permissions" with food, specially chocolates.
  
  
• In December I traveled and -obviously- holidays kicked in. Diet was nowhere to be seen.
  
  
• January I decided to start again so I can finally get to my 60 pound goal.
  
  
• February PRONOKAL prices went (a lot) up, so I decided to try my own protein diet...which (of course) failed.
  
  
• March still tried to begin PRONOKAL diet, but went one week on, one week off.
  
  
• April was mayhem. I traveled the whole month and ate -at least, and I'm not exaggerating at all- 100 chocolate bars. Don't even make me explain the carbs. 

I am not proud of this, actually I am scared, and ashamed. I feel as if I failed. But this feeling is not defeating me, I am starting again. Today.  

Day 287 - Weigh In

So.... I have to do this. Be brave. I  got up on the scale. Saw the numbers...got up again. I'm so confused. 

Either I have a good body memory OR, this diet is WONDERFUL: 

February 18 - 194.8

Relapsed October 12

Started again on November 21 - 170.0

November 28 -  156.7

NEW COUNT 

Total pounds lost in 7 days:  13.3 pounds. (6.032 kilos)

Total pounds lost in 287 days:  38.1 pounds. (17.281 kilos)

Day 286 - Mirror Mirror on the wall

Am I fairest than last week?

My reflection on the mirror has changed drastically. It is really confusing when I look at myself.

I have been on the diet again and I see my face thinner. JUST IN 6 DAYS. I do not know if it's my poor perception of myself or if I'm really loosing weigh fast. 

Tomorrow I will be weighing in. I have no expectations, although I have received several compliments. 

I ask my father three days ago, if he noticed any change on my face, or if it was my dismorphia. His answer was: Your face is not that bitter.. all the muscles in your face are relaxed, you look happy. 

HUH?!?!?

Really dad? I just needed a yes or no answer. But maybe he was right. Maybe eating in a compulsive obsessive way makes me bitter cause I know it's wrong, and I shouldn't do it. It was an interesting point of view. 

I've been eating all my greens and envelopes. Some meat every other day, but once I make a decision, I go with it all the way. 

We'll see tomorrow how it goes. 

Day 280 - And it's a Hard rain, gonna fall.

It has been almost 60 days since the last time I wrote, since the last time I did the diet correctly. 

Yesterday I saw myself on the mirror. I did not liked what I saw. 

It was not dysmorphia. 

Today, Thursday, I decided to start AGAIN. And I stepped up on the scale. 

171.2 pounds. 

To my horrible surprise, I went up 20 pounds in 2 months. It's really scary. Let's not even talk about my sugar levels. 

I am so dissapointed in myself, ¿how could I let myself go this way? I thought I was being cautious with food. Now I know I wasn't. 

I want to go out and run for the next four hours and make this weigh dissapear!. 

Is this is how it's gonna be the rest of my life? It's not fair I can't handle a simple thing like eating. 

Today I am a hater. 

Day 221 - New beginning...again

It's been a LONG while since I have posted anything. almost two months. 

So I'll start from the beginning: 

Here are the facts after 221 days: 

Februray 18 - 194.8

September 23 - 151.6

Total pounds lost in 221 days:  43.2 pounds. (19.500 kilos)

I haven't been writing because I haven´t been following the regime on a 100%. Still I am on Cetosis, and have never broke it since last time I was made to by the Dr. 

However I have been "bingeing" on meat or so I think. I am trying to make the products last because honestly, my pocket is empty right now. 

It was supposed to be a 4 month treatment, and now I've been doing it for 7 months, so I ate meat instead of the products and maybe ONE maltshake just to avoid the sweets cravings. 

It is obvious my dysmorphia has been taking a toll on me. I began to look at my body again as fat as I was before and although I am not, the mirror reflects an obese flaccid body. I even see my face with chubby cheeks and a second chin. 

I am 20 pounds away from my goal. And they have been the hardest to loose. 

Today I will start on phase 1 with 5 envelopes instead of 6. I will eat lots of veggies and AND AAAAANNND I will do some kind of exercise  Even if it means walking for 30 minutes. I will give this treatment 2 months more and that would be it. 

Today I stepped up on the scale (I'm not kidding) 8 times. I saw my weight and I could not believe I am still the same weight I was for the last three months. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, It's just I thought I had gained 4 or 6 pounds back, but no. 

So I am starting all over again, with more energy, with feeling, with a decision of ending this ASAP. 

I am glad my sugar levels are down and the endocrynologyst (who did not recognized me when I went into his office last week) told me to stop using VICTOZA (victozavixen.blogspot.mx) which is an injected substance to control glucose and weight. 

I am happy to stop using it -for it's a USD $200 a month medication- however, I am scared because this medicine also helped to control my weight. 

Changes have been happening on the last seven months. All for good. This diet has changed my life, so I just can't wait to end this treatment so I can go on with my normal, happy, succesful life. 

Day 167 - Keep Calm

Day 168 - Cetosis Mode OFF!

So I broke cetosis. 

With a Muffin and a Sandwich!! 

I havent feel bad, but mentally, I feel guilty, I see my face in the mirror and I see a fat face. Swollen cheeks and a second chin.... I know It's my dismorphia watching, but I just cant help it. 

I will try to keep this cetosis mode off as lightly as possible. And I will repeat myself over and over to keep calm and to eat small portions. 

But that muffin... was heavenly... I was dancing in the muffin shop while I ate it... I know, it's crazy, but these are the little things in life that make me happy. 

Then again, when I finished and got out of the store... I felt SOOOO bad, and I asked myself: ¿was it really worth it? 

Day 167 - Next Procedure to Follow

So the next procedure to follow according to the doctor, is to break Cetosis. 
This time, REALLY BREAK CETOSIS. 

From today (tuesday) until next Sunday, you will eat normally, your three meals, eggs in the morning, with a loaf of bread and coffee, eat normally, whatever you want, in small portions, and have a light dinner. 

¿WHATT? ¿SERIOUSLY?

- "Yes" he said, "then, on monday, you will start up again with six envelopes, no meat, so you loose your last 20 pounds and then we will go to phase 2b, 3 & 4, and then maintainance". 

- "Don't be scared, you're not the only one or the first one going through this". 

And he gave me another medicine. L Carrotine. 

Let´s see how this goes. 

Day 166 - Doctors appointment

..and then I went to the doctor. After all, I had to confront him and tell him I spent a month not following the diet as specified. 

He immediately sent me to do the cetosis test. I just couldnt pee on the cup and therefore, could not get any result on cetosis. 

My weigh and EVERYTHING was the same as last month. 

- "You're out of Cestosis" He said. 
- "No", I immediately replied
- "Yes" he said "you're stuck on the same weigh than last month, even your measurements are the same, you're out of Cetosis"
- "But I didn't broke the diet. I swear.. well.. except for the meat". 

He stops, and thinks. Then he says in a calm voice

- "We need to do something about this"

And then he explained the next procedure to follow. 

Day 165 - I'm Back

You've probably been wandering why I haven't written. Well. I've been awfully bad. 

NO, I did not break the diet. NO. 

However, I did not respected the 150 grams meat rule. I started eating a lot more. A WHOLE LOT MORE. 

I feel so guilty.. and so fat. I guess I am feeling I am loosing -again- control over meat. 

Day 142 - Weigh In

This week there is no Weigh in. 

Day 137 - Measurements

So Today I will share weight AND measurements:

Here are the facts after 137 days: 

* Weight is specified in KILOS
** Measurements in centimeters

*** Here's a converter if you need: http://www.onlineconversion.com/weight_common.htm

Date:	18-Feb	27-Feb	20-Mar	02-Jul	TOTAL LOST 137 Days
Weight	86.4	83	79.2	68.4	18
Waist	119	103	95	86	33
Arm	36	34	35	32	4
Hip	114	111	110	100	14
Abdomen	119	103	95	86	33
Chest	112	110	105	100	12
Thigh	61	60	59	51	10

Corporal Grease:             37.6                                                                                       22.5

Day 135 - Weigh In

No words today. Only anger. 

Februray 18 - 194.8

July 1st -  152.6

Gained 1 pound. 

Day 134 - STUCK!!

I'm stuck.

Feeling horrible, but not weigh stuck. I mean life stuck. I feel like here I cannot do whatever Argentina motivates me to do. 

It's a strange feeling I can't describe, but somehow my bed has embraced me once again and won't let me go. 

My brain says MOVE. My body just won't respond. 

STUCK!!!

Day 133 - Bad Habits are HARD to break

Oh geez....

Once again, I have returned to "Old Habits"... I haven't broken the diet, but now I am doing as I wish, not staying in a scheduled eating habit, just eating when I'm hungry, eating extra portions of meat than allowed, not eating veggies. 

This makes me SO scared! I DO NOT WANT to go back to what I was before I started this diet. 

I am having a SERIOUS TALK with my doctor on Tuesday, and I will do damage control... 

I'll even suggest to reduce one envelope (instead of 5, make it 4 and the animal protein). 

I am REEEEEAAAALLLYY Terrified. 

Day 132 - Empty posts

I am sorry I have some empty posts, but sometimes, it's just there is nothing relevant to tell, and having the empty posts lets me have a day by day count. 

Day 131 - Bulimia and Anorexia

We have all heard these dark stories of bulimic and anorexic girls that would do anything to loose weigh or not gain it.

We all hear them as a far far away tale from a distant galaxy, until the thought enters your mind. 

You know it's BAD, you know it kills you, but you also know you can get fat if you eat inappropiately. 

I mean, I am not saying I will become one, but the scare is there. ¿What if I get fat again? I met a group of girls who were one or the other.. or both, and I was so scared to become like them...but then again, I had the overweigh problem, I had not been this thin for a long while, and it feels so good, I just don't want it to end and I want it to keep it like this FOREVER!. 

Having a mind full of "what-if's" I URGENTLY need to talk to my doctor about this, cause I know I can't stay on Pronokal forever, and actually, I have to end it soon, but I am SO scared about eating normal food all day. Specially bread and stuff. 

What's gonna happen when...? It's a question revolving around my head ALL day and night. 

Day 130 - Excer...whaaaaaaaaa?

Memo to me: 

I 

FREAKING

NEED

TO

EXCERCISE!!!!

Day 129 - I am CALM!!!!

...NOT.

Day 116 - It feels SO good

So you do the math: 


It was September 11 2011, I experienced the most painful breakup in my life. 
I stayed at home  until February 2013, at bed. Sleeping. Eating. Becoming Jabba the Hut. Hidden from the outside and outsiders.

I decide to start Pronokal on February 18th 2013 and remained secluded at home because of obvoius reasons. 

Four months later, I decide to travel and go visit all my friends and family in Argentina after 2 years of absence (I mean,TOTAL absence. Not even a picture on FB or a Whatsapp Message). 

All 9 days I was greeted with compliments, with loving commentaries, with similar experiences shared, with more appreciation comments, congratulations aplause, ovations, seriously, I am not even exaggerating. 

Sometimes I even felt ashamed of so many kudos given, but then I remembered my mom told me that I have to make the compliments a part of my self esteem. 

Still working on that. 

But let me tell you... It feels SOOO good!


It feels so good, you want this to become a part of your daily life, and all those comments made me stick to my diet even stronger. 

Day 117 - I have sinned

Yes... In my mind, I have sinned. But somehow I felt I had to do it. It's my fat girl part of my brain that made me do it. 

Ok, so here's what happened. As you read on my past post AIRPORTS I handled excellently the chocolates in the "departure-from-Mexico" part. 

HOWEVER

On the Chocolates in the "Departure-from-Argentina" part... I just couldn't handle it. I bought boxes and boxes of chocolates (for my family of course and as giveaway souvenirs) a total of 150 USD JUST in chocolates. I know, it's insane.

BUT

In the back of my fat girl brain part, somewhere, I bought a couple of Milka chocolates for me... "for when I finish the treatment" I told myself. 

I found myself repeating that, as I stashed some bars for me, JUST LIKE THE GOLLUM IN THE LORD OF THE RINGS... the only thing I did not do, was whispering to myself: My Precious!

I have half of my brain saying: yeees yeeess keep them, and half the other brain shouting: ARE YOU NUTS? YOU HAVE DIABETES, YOU CAN'T EAT NORMAL CHOCOLATE!!

It has been a constant fight with myself since then. I have them hidden, but I KNOW they are there...waiting for me... or not. 

I refuse to throw them away. I won't do it. 

Don't judge me. 


Gollum Chocolate: 

MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Day 118 - Sumo Wrestler Butt

It has been a while since I have seen myself infront of a mirror. At home, I am a vampire. No mirrors at all OR just face mirrors on the bathroom. 

On this trip, I had a CLOSET with two HUGE mirrors on the doors!!! and at SOME time I had to look at myself... full body... full body. 

It's terribly wrong to say this, but I despise my body eventhough I am loosing weight. 

And then I saw my Butt. 

OOOOHH LORDY LORD LORD.... MY GOSH! IT WAS DREADFUL. 

Imagine a melted huge candle.. that was my ass. Or picture a Sumo wrestler's butt. Yup, that's me. 

So, NOT ONLY I WILL HAVE TO LOOSE 10 More KILOS, BUT, I WILL ALSO NEED A PLAN B FOR THAT LOOSEN SKIN, because I am thinking excercise won't do the trick anymore and I am not have any more surgerys. 

If anyone knows, any onther alternative in which I can put back the skin where it once belonged, please PLEAAAAASE let me know!


(Don't even think about it! there is no picture for this post!)

Day 119 - Experience Talking

Ok, here's what happened. 

I met for lunch -of course- with an old colleague of mine. She was impressed (and scared) of my weigh loss. 

I told her I was okay, and that I was perfectly supervised by every kind of doctor. 

And so the story began...

Several years ago, she lost about 100 pound approximately. Doing a supervised diet with a reknown doctor, who used her as his example of success story for his diet. So proud of her. 

She then told me, she got scared of gaining the weigh all over again once she stopped dieting. 

She became Anorexic and Bulimic.

She lost so much weigh and muscle, her heart was at risk. She had to eat special meals in order to recuperate a normal weigh, and then she went up, and down, and up and down the scale numbers. 

I listened as we ate. And I was SO secure about my diet that I didn't payed so much attention. Until this week. 

The fear became real. And I am now scared if this would happen to me. I mean, it's a real fear... there it is. 

Obesity has become an epidemic, and thus Bulimia and Anorexia. 

There's the fear of gaining weigh again.....and the fear has storaged in my brain. 

Day 120 - Scared like hell

On this trip, I became VERY aware of how easy it is to break a diet, to binge, to loose control over oneself. 

And that made me scared. 

VERY SCARED. 

I am absolutely terrified on the fact when I finished consuming the envelopes. What if I can't control myself? What will I do? Where do I go from there? What if I rebound again? What if I gain all the weigh again? What if I cannot handle a binge? 

These questions kept boggling my mind over and over. They still are. 

I will need A LOT OF EXTRA HELP once I get to my normal weigh again. 

Day 121 - Ketosis Mode: STILL ON

Before my trip, the doctor requested me to make (specifically June 18th) a Ketosis test -he provided me with a special Keto-stix and I had to pee on it. 

The result had to be a deep purple stain.. I did it two days later. 

I was terrified my Ketosis was gone. 

Fortunately, it hadn't. 

Day 122 - The day Mc Donalds came back to my life

It was father's day, and OF COURSE, I was ALONE beacuse EVERYBODY was celebrating their respective fathers and mine was back at home.

So I went to a movie, to see Brad Pitt. But I was starving, and I couldn't watch a zombie attack with out a full -animal protein- stomach. I needed beef. 

Because I didn't had the time and patience to sit inside a restaurant, I had the courage to go to a Mc Donalds. 

- Hello, welcome to Mc Donald's what can I get you?

- Um, yes... I would like a quarter pounder... JUST the meat. 

- Ok, Just the burger? no fries? no soda?

- NO. Just The meat, no fries, no soda. 

- ...riiiiight... just the burger?

- NO. Just the meat.

(eye contact looking extremely confused)

- ... so....

- YES... NO FRIES, NO SODA, the burger, I need it with NO cheese, NO condiments, NO Ketchup, NO mustard, NO special sauce and NO bread. 

The very nice manager made me a plate, with JUST the meat, a couple of tomatoes and lettuce. 

I felt.... a wonderful pleasure tasting again the DELICIOUS (well, I know is not the healthiest nor the MOST delicious but for me, it was at that moment) Mc Donald's taste again in my mouth. 

I devoured it (therefore, the lack of image).

But I went happy to watch my movie!

Day 123 - Emperess New Clothes

Two years ago, I went to Argentina and went MAD with a clothing brand. It's called: "Las Oreiro" (Clink for link) they have this GORGEOUS Dresses and jeans. 

I was a stubborn fat girl that wanted -badly- a pair of them. So I got the courage that time and went to try them. The jeans wouldn't go further up from my knees. 

I was SO offended, I actually wrote them on their FB page, telling them "How could you not respect the sizing law"? I'm so angry, I came all the way from Mexico to buy a pair of jeans and I couldn't fit them! They responded something about being legal and stuff but I was so angry, I didn't paid attention. 

I was angry, but also, I was OBESE. In my dismorphic mind I was "festively plump"

BUT THIS TIME... I WENT FOR REVENGE!

I took several pair of jeans and started trying them on. In Argentina the size chart differs from the American and Mexican chart, so I actually don't know what size I bought, I only know I bought a SMALLER size. 

I bought 4 pair of jeans this vacation, and I am really happy!!. I also bought a couple of shirts. I would have bought a dress, but they are WAY too expensive,(and way to small...still) so I guess maybe next time I'm on my ideal weight.

I even had the nerve, to buy one pair two sizes smaller...! Just for the future.

Here's an example of my past jeans and my new jeans:

Day 124 - It's a Party and I'll cry if I want to (You would cry too if it happened to you!)

One of the reasons of this vacation, was a kids party. I COMPLETELY forgot about all the goodies. 

When I got there, I saw TWO FULL TABLES OF CAKES (yes, I have the images) and I wanted to cry. I obviously took my malt shakes just in case I needed them, but something funny happened. 

When I arrived, I placed them on a freezer thinking it was a normal fridge, and they all became rock frozen. 

I was desperate because I couldn't drink it!! and I wanted to drink it right that moment, the cravings were too much. So a lady there saw my desperation and told me to cut the box and place it on a cup. 

Seriously, how could I did not think about that myself? I HAD ICE CREAM!!!! CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM...

PRONOKAL CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!

I swear, I spent the next HOUR scraping that chocolate block. And I was VERY happy all throughout the party. 

oh yes... BEHOLD the calorie display...!: 

Day 125 - Meals Examples

I decided to take pictures of some of the animal protein I had on this vacation. Here they are: 

This was the first day meal: Chicken with tomato and onions. 

At first I was VERY scared because of the onions, but this was the only plate on the menu available for me, so I carefully and VERY patiently took all the chopped onions off each piece of chicken! It was good. 

                                                         

The next day, I had to have a BIFE, the Argentinian quality beef by choice: Bife de Chorizo, I don't know what part of the cow this is, but for me, it's THE BEST!. Always sided with lettuce and tomatoes. 

                                                         

This plate was specially complicated. ¿Who doesnt' likes the CRISPY EXTRA CRISPY Chicken skin? I mean.. it was hurtful leaving it on the plate beside the bones. But I could not do it, I just could not let myself eat that. I had some salad which was  starting to taste like plastic!

   

Some more "Bife de Chorizo"... Leaving the gresay parts behind (Which, as the chicken skin, is THE BEST PART of the meat)

Eating at a friends House: Of course, all my friends invited me to their homes, and made me special dinner. Besides a gorgeous fish (I couldn't take picture, I forgot) she made me one day, she cooked this incredible chicken breast with broiled peppers and salad. Tasted SO good!