Day 442 - Who is the judge here?

It's interesting how we judge people without knowing their story. I usually try no to do it, but I have to confess, I judged Dominique Lanoise (Post 49 to watch click link) for a moment when she ate to her death. 

For a moment I thought How could she? she had the opportunity and the medical staff to make it right and she chose to eat until she died. 

Well, I have been thinking of her lately. 

Is not that I am choosing to eat until I die, it's just that I have been on a constant binge for the last two months not thinking I could die. As easy as that. 

People think they have the right to give you their piece of mind (diet wise speaking). And this is what has happened the last months, all comments made by men (young and old). 

• Are you exercising? (of course I had to say yes...that way I wouldn't be ashamed) -Sure why? -Cause it shows!, your body looks firm and better (SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYY!!!!! OMG! and WTF!)
• Why are you eating (a nutella crepe)? Are you angry? What are you feeling? Think abut it, express your feeling, don't eat it -he actually pulled me away from the Nutella stand- I felt so much hate I felt I ate crying inside. (WHAAAAAT? I'm eating a Nutella Crepe because I have been yearning for one for the last 14 months! and I actually answered: Because I want! Because I can!) Confession: This was my father.
• I'm not saying DON'T EAT THAT KIT KAT BAR, I'm just saying, next time you want a chocolate, try a sugar free one (OH Leave me alone! I'm in the US, there are no chocolate bars that taste like this where I live, just let me be I want to eat!) Confession: I ate all those chocolate bars with anger...lots of anger for the next month.

All these comments (made to me by people I love/like) come along with this stupid head tilt and droopy eyed gesture which SCREAMS to you: You are doing SO wrong, you're getting fat again awww. 

It's true. 

People may say: I'm just saying this for your own health, because I worry about you, because I love you (a guy even said to me -which still puzzles me- I don't want to be a widower if you keep eating this way... (and again: W-T-F?!?!?!?!?!) and they feel they have the right to say those things to you!. 

For me, they are judging. And I hate those comments, it bring out the worst of me. I reply with hate, I stare with hostility, I react...

Hurting myself: Bingeing.

I eat furiously. The quantities are exaggerated, the portions are out-blown (i.e. I can tell I once ate -I could bet on it- TWO POUNDS of meat. In one sitting. and still I had dessert.i.e. 5 kit-kat bars)  and STILL be hungry -or maybe the correct word is angry?

I have stopped going outside and socialize, because I don't want people to judge me: "Look at her, tsk tsk, tsk, all the weight she lost, all the effort she invested on the diet and just look at her... she is fat again..what a failure"

Just the thought of this makes my skin crawl and hate everyone, everything every..myself. 

I'm struggling here. As always, but today, even more. 

Don't judge me.