Day 00 - Inspirational

Just when I thought I could never do anything sporty... girls like this come along to give me a lesson in life. 

Day 0 - (Again) ---and you really thought it was the end?

Being an Obsessive Compulsive, I JUST couldn't let food and this diet beat me. 

A doctor's appointment is made for next Tuesday. I know I can do it, I know I can beat all these pounds. Sooooo, Here I go, ONE MORE TIME... WITH FEELING!

Day 450 - Season Finale: Failure

I feel like a failure. I will be going to the endocrinologist for other options. Pronokal is a great diet. It worked for me for a while, but my illness goes way beyond the psychological matter. I think it has something to do with the insatiability... I cannot stop eating. 

The last few days, I've had one word on my mind: BYPASS. 

UPDATE September 2017:.
I AM RESTARTING PRONOKAL. I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED.  

Day 443 - What Happened

I was reading this blog about the past year... ¿What happened? ¿what happened to me? I was so enthusiastic about it... and then I fell and hit rock bottom...again. 

Day 442 - Who is the judge here?

It's interesting how we judge people without knowing their story. I usually try no to do it, but I have to confess, I judged Dominique Lanoise (Post 49 to watch click link) for a moment when she ate to her death. 

For a moment I thought How could she? she had the opportunity and the medical staff to make it right and she chose to eat until she died. 

Well, I have been thinking of her lately. 

Is not that I am choosing to eat until I die, it's just that I have been on a constant binge for the last two months not thinking I could die. As easy as that. 

People think they have the right to give you their piece of mind (diet wise speaking). And this is what has happened the last months, all comments made by men (young and old). 

• Are you exercising? (of course I had to say yes...that way I wouldn't be ashamed) -Sure why? -Cause it shows!, your body looks firm and better (SERIOUSLYYYYYYYYY!!!!! OMG! and WTF!)
• Why are you eating (a nutella crepe)? Are you angry? What are you feeling? Think abut it, express your feeling, don't eat it -he actually pulled me away from the Nutella stand- I felt so much hate I felt I ate crying inside. (WHAAAAAT? I'm eating a Nutella Crepe because I have been yearning for one for the last 14 months! and I actually answered: Because I want! Because I can!) Confession: This was my father.
• I'm not saying DON'T EAT THAT KIT KAT BAR, I'm just saying, next time you want a chocolate, try a sugar free one (OH Leave me alone! I'm in the US, there are no chocolate bars that taste like this where I live, just let me be I want to eat!) Confession: I ate all those chocolate bars with anger...lots of anger for the next month.

All these comments (made to me by people I love/like) come along with this stupid head tilt and droopy eyed gesture which SCREAMS to you: You are doing SO wrong, you're getting fat again awww. 

It's true. 

People may say: I'm just saying this for your own health, because I worry about you, because I love you (a guy even said to me -which still puzzles me- I don't want to be a widower if you keep eating this way... (and again: W-T-F?!?!?!?!?!) and they feel they have the right to say those things to you!. 

For me, they are judging. And I hate those comments, it bring out the worst of me. I reply with hate, I stare with hostility, I react...

Hurting myself: Bingeing.

I eat furiously. The quantities are exaggerated, the portions are out-blown (i.e. I can tell I once ate -I could bet on it- TWO POUNDS of meat. In one sitting. and still I had dessert.i.e. 5 kit-kat bars)  and STILL be hungry -or maybe the correct word is angry?

I have stopped going outside and socialize, because I don't want people to judge me: "Look at her, tsk tsk, tsk, all the weight she lost, all the effort she invested on the diet and just look at her... she is fat again..what a failure"

Just the thought of this makes my skin crawl and hate everyone, everything every..myself. 

I'm struggling here. As always, but today, even more. 

Don't judge me.

Day 441 - Weigh In (Here I go again...)

Today I did not gave it a thought. I just got the stupid scale out and stepped on it. I only saw numbers. I double checked, remembered the numbers I saw and came to the PC to write them. 

That's all they are. Numbers. They won't bring me down nor make me feel bad anymore. I need to get them down -fast- so, here they are: 

February 18 2013 - 194.8

Relapsed October 12 2013

Started again on November 21 - 170.0

November 28 -  156.7

Started AGAIN on May 05 2014 - 183.2

So this will be my starting Weigh In as from today. I will not let it go and will get to the finish line and stay there. This I promise to myself. 

One Year (or 440 days) later....

I think it's important, not only to tell your own success stories but also your failures and relapses, this is (still) my (relapse) story. 

It has been very very difficult, there has been a bunch of obstacles I have fallen into, which I'll tell in simple bullet points, just to make it easier and faster. 

• On November, when I saw I had lost almost 40 pounds, I began to give myself "treats" or "permissions" with food, specially chocolates.
  
  
• In December I traveled and -obviously- holidays kicked in. Diet was nowhere to be seen.
  
  
• January I decided to start again so I can finally get to my 60 pound goal.
  
  
• February PRONOKAL prices went (a lot) up, so I decided to try my own protein diet...which (of course) failed.
  
  
• March still tried to begin PRONOKAL diet, but went one week on, one week off.
  
  
• April was mayhem. I traveled the whole month and ate -at least, and I'm not exaggerating at all- 100 chocolate bars. Don't even make me explain the carbs. 

I am not proud of this, actually I am scared, and ashamed. I feel as if I failed. But this feeling is not defeating me, I am starting again. Today.